His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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