Where is the hickey?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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