I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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