I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
