you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
