I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
