I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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