Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
