I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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