He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
