fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
