Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
