I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
