you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
