my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
