I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
