Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
