she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
