did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
