In America we eat man semen.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When are your genitals available?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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