Don't you send me to vm
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
