in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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