I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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