i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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