it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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