Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
