Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we made out on top of his cat.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
