In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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