i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
