your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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