I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
