She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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