Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
