i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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