I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
