laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
The best revenge is premature balding
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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