I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize