this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
