just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
