I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
