mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
