I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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