Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
