saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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