Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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