She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
