He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
