Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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