Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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