my mouth tastes like poor choices
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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