I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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