i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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