I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
