I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
