I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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