im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
