What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
