Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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