Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
