i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize