there's paper in my vomit.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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